An Update Of The Homeless Variety
This seems to be the only place I have set up to write such a thing as this, I remember setting this blog up and then never touching it because of all the other projects I seem to be drowning in, but today, I figured why the hell not?
It seems over the last few years of my life I have lived many lives. Not too long ago I was a college student with decent grades, a nice car, a wife, what seemed like great friends for a little while, and even a job I could stand. Then I was a divorced car-less suicidal psyche patient who couldn’t rest at night without some sort of an overdose attempt. Then I finally got out of that slump by writing, not very good writing at times mind you, but it worked and got me into supporting other people who’ve devoted their entire life to some sort of art. Problem is there has been this barrier ever since the downhill race to erase myself from this planet that has continued to linger. Mostly financial circumstances, but also having to rely on, at times, horribly stupid people.
My latest lifestyle was a nightmare. I lived with some girl whose brain cells must have never fully developed or had been completely fried by the age of 15. It was an odd life indeed and I don’t care to go into a whole lot of detail, but I always referred to them as my “foster family”, simply because they were the home to go to when there wasn’t any other home left. To be taken in by someone and told they viewed you as a son and then brushed aside so easily is something you probably haven’t been through. At first I was angry, but then I just felt pity. Pity for their lives.
To be a woman who works for the state, helping people into income housing and denying the ones with a criminal record the help while housing her daughter’s own drug-use. It’s sad and it’s simply the mark of a woman who has lost her way. A woman who takes pride in her daughter’s temporary ability to make pizzas until she gets fired for sleeping with her manager or smoking pot on her breaks rather than her “son” who has gone up and beyond the average of other people in his age group. It was like she enjoyed spending money on her daughter’s failures, rather than her son’s success. I calculated that all the help I was given for my success totaled in at around $84, meanwhile between destroying vehicles and court costs her daughter’s financially aided failures totaled in at over $10k. Of course, I know what you are thinking, I should have had a job. Well, no shit, unfortunately I was cast into this blackhole of not living near anywhere hiring or having a ride to do any such thing for over a year. I know this all seems vague, but it’s probably best that I do not air all the dirty laundry involved, I just feel the need to mention it. Anyways, yes, it’d been quite the year hanging around that.
This last week and a half has been a new experience, it involved crashing from friend’s house to friend’s house for a while, and even giving my first live reading homeless (the beatnik generation would be so proud!), until it was decided that hitchhiking out of the state would be the way to go. That idea didn’t last super long in this heat, but I got some neat experiences from it such as sleeping on the side of a highway and getting money from people outside of a McDonalds somewhere in freakin’ Kansas in order to eat. Which speaking of food, I haven’t ate in about 30 hours. I seem to get some sort of makeshift meal in once every other day, which has actually dropped my weight below what it was as a freshmen in college. That’s like 15-20 pounds in a week and a half by the way. So the bright side of undernourishment is that I will look healthier for a great deal of it. I don’t really mind, I honestly needed a diet. It is tough though, I don’t remember being this hungry since I was 16 and my real mother had abandoned me out in the country at one of our temporary homes with 5 days worth of sandwich stuff that I had to make last three weeks.
I guess if you are one of those people who have been waiting for their chance to smile about something going wrong in my life, here it is. I just hope it satisfies you, because unlike the many people in the world who give up at the first sight of danger, I am still me. My misfortunes in life, no matter how much better or worse than yours, are simply just a fork in the road with a different life going in all the directions.
On one hand, I may be given the opportunity to take a handout and live with some friends until I can get up on my feet. On another, I have also begun the paperwork procedures to maybe get back into school, making the dorms a living option. On top of something I never thought I’d do - talking to an Air Force recruiter. Hell, just in case, I’ve even applied to join an egalitarian group where I can just write most days and not worry about all this outside world stuff. I don’t know which route will be the one I end up on. All I know is something has got to change.
I haven’t told many people about my current state, but that’s mostly because I don’t like to showcase my problems to the world, although I don’t know why, people seem to think their smallest of problems are the world’s business here anymore. The one thing times like this have always taught me is how great a couple real friends are to have and just how kind almost absolute strangers can be. But that sounds like the ending to a real crappy soap opera so I’ll just say: Yes, I’m still hard at work on all the projects I was before and plan to always somehow succeed, regardless of what it is I must overcome.
